Musical Monday
"Man listen..."
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Another one of Mac Miller’s songs I really just enjoy. The simple and catchy melody reminds me of cool elevator music, it reminds me of goofing off. It’s like waking up late enough to realize that your not gonna make it to class but early enough to make some hooky plans. He wakes in the video “around noon”, at which point he kicks it with a few coeds. And really, who among us hasn’t dreamed about waking up on a Monday morning and just staying in bed and blowing off all our worldly responsibilities? Mac allows me to live through him just a bit. He smokes some weed and eventually gets up to go the market baked and rocking what can only be described as “awesome sleepwear”. Sporting a ski cap, shades, a sweat shirt and pajama bottoms he roams the isles in search of all manner of munchie consumables. I myself have been able to live out this dream of perusing my local super market baked and wearing something both ridiculous looking but ultimately comfortable. it was a grand ‘ol time. the video raps with him and his boys goofing around and getting their “bowl” on at an ally, The perfect way to top off a day of playing hooky, smoking weed, and dodging responsibilities.
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“Kool aid and frozen pizza, it’s a work of art, I ain’t talking mona lisa” My brother Wise put me on to this dude. he would play his mixtapes on his phone and the hp mini whenever he got a chance. We would roll up and blow back to his songs played on the big screen from the big HP via HDMI. I’ll never forget watching the video to “Kool aid and Frozen pizza”. Plastered on the 50” screen in all it’s sepia glory. Using a beat from an old Lord Tariq song taht is undinably “old school”, Mac spits of days past when he was just an average kid going to school, smoking weed, and chasing girls. Now his days are filled with studio sessions and radio appearances but he still has time for a few “Ls” with his peoples. I immediately connected with guy. he was the lovable pot head that lived around the way. he was lyrical enough to really make you think in between inhales and he was laid back enough to remind you of the everyman in all of us. just an average guy with above average skills and ambition. So I’ll start off the week with this mini ditty about the first Mac miller song I fell in love with.
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Went on a little medley, found a few songs that appear to mirror my own circumstances. All hitting close to home, knocking on my front door, heart heavy with emotions I’d soon rather forget. but I can’t. You’ll find the lyrics below, after I get my head back on I’ll see if I can did deeper and connect the dots. Thankfully, whenever I find a song I relate to, the artist has already said all that needs to be. All I have to do is nod in agreement and occasionally wipe my eyes.
“All I Want Is You”
(feat. J. Cole)
[J.Cole:]
Damn, cold world
I never thought I see that day that you’re my old girl
Now I’m stuck here hollering at old girl
Got one, got two, three four girls
Shotgun in the drop made a right
Hut one, hut two, told them niggas take a hike
Then it’s on to the next one, on, on to the next one
Hard to move on when you always regret one
[Miguel:]
I wonder sometimes
I wonder if I was wrong
Tryna do right by you got me here
Now all I am is alone
Cause her eyes
And those hips
And that (ass)
Don’t compare, at all (no)
And at best, all they do is distract me
But now, deep down, when I face it
[Chorus:]
All I want is you
All I want is you (now)
All I want is you now
Now that you’re gone, gone, gone
[Verse Two:]
Cause being your friend was killing me softly
Hear voices
Wondering where I went wrong
It was my fault, in the wrong time,
I wonder so often, regret gets exhausting
Cause her eyes
And those hips
And that (ass)
Don’t compare, at all (no)
And at best, all they do is distract me
But now, deep down, when I face it
[Chorus (x2):]
All I want is you (mhm)
All I want is you (now)
All I want is you now (sugar)
Now that you’re gone, gone, gone, gone, gone
[Bridge:]
Cause they don’t smile
Or smell like you
No they don’t make me laugh
Or even cook like you
And they don’t photograph
Nah, they don’t sex like you
Let’s face it, I can’t replace it
That’s why all I want is you now…
[J.Cole:]
I hit the club when you left me thinking that could heal
Trying to celebrate my Independence Day, Will Smith
Baby girl who I’m kidding
Still sick, real shit
All my new bitches seem to get old real quick
And could it be you everything these plain bitches couldn’t be
Is it a sign from the Lord that I shouldn’t be
Lost in the Player way sorta get old to me
Got me on layaway, girl you gotta a hold on me
I say I’m wrong, you say come again
Damn, said I was wrong look don’t rub it in
I got a lot on my mind
Got a flock full of dimes
Like a line full of hoes,
Look how they coming in
Just saying
You don’t wanna have me then somebody will
I’m playing
Weight on my chest like I body build
I’m praying
You ain’t content with trying to do your thang
Hey come back baby boomerang
[Miguel:]
That’s why
All I want is you now (mhhm)
All I want is you now (yeah)
All I want is you now (sugar)
Now that you’re gone, gone, gone, gone
You know that you’re gone (I want you back) -
I can’t even deal right now. I’m sitting here listening to Ye’s “Blame Game” feeling some sort of way. Having gone through a break up myself all the lyrics to this song cut me so deep. Each lyric is the start of a film, a black and white memory that plays out in my mind and weighs on my heart. Who’s to blame when you fall out of love? Who? Loving someone you hate is such a cruel joke, I’d wish death upon my enemies before this. But “I love to play the blame game” its one of my favorite games. :(
“I’d rather argue with you then be with someone else” true feeling. honest feeling to have. ‘you weren’t perfect but you made life worth it” Like a fucking drug! Being dependent on aperson, feeding off of them just to fill that void or feel that love, that’s no way to live is it? It felt so good though. “I can’t love you this much” ‘Ye sings it but I have to disagree. It only hurts so much because I do love her so much. I remember being on the fucking phone and listening to it “ring and ring”. Everything always comes back up. Certain songs trigger certain emotions and it sucks because as good as i feel some days I get5 taken right back there when I hear this song. I connect so much with Kanye because it always feels like he’s talking about the same shit I lived through. When the bullshit reached a fever pitch and the arguments stopped making sense it ended. My old life burned. It would be easy to blame her, I mean it was her decision. But it was the decision I should have made a long time ago. Maybe. I hate not being able to trust my feelings, not being able to trust my emotions. i can’t deal sometimes. “somebody help”. I had so many real feelings for you but like everything else form the last few years they seem tainted. Blackened like so much ash in the wake of a fire. It burns, like when you try to fight back tears and your vision blurrs and your eyes grow hot under the strain. Your heart beats and blood rushes and you cry. I painfully, soul tearing cry.
“Let’s call out names” There is nothing I can say really. What? ‘bitch”? “Idiot”! “heartbreaker” Whatever, they don’t bring me joy. Your pain, brings me instant gratification. It used to at least. But I always feel empty afterwards. It’s not fair! Fucking fair fam! I tried so hard to be a good guy and to hold this shit together and for what? For you to decide enough is enough? Man, I catch myself looking back like “this can’t be life”. But it is, it’s mine. thank you Mr West for reminding me of my heartache, I need it sometimes. Just like when you pick up the phone late night looking to hear a familiar voice, knowing it won’t bring you the peace of mind you need. Knowing it might feel good at first but you know it’s not what you really need. I don’t know what I need these days. I trust a few people to ask their advice, maybe, but even then, I don’t really trust anyone. I need to have a talk with the man in the mirror but he shows his disgust towards me. I was weak. I fell from grace and it hurt to hit rock bottom. I’ll never be that guy again, but I miss him. he was so optimistic and wide eyed. but I feel bitter these days. Jaded. Scorned. Burned. Slighted. “I love you, I hate you” Story of my life huh? Maybe. Really looking forward to the next chapter of my life. Just trying to put this into perspective, gain some knowledge form it. Learn from it. it changed me and I’m having a hard time with the man I’m becoming. I thought burning my soul would be easier than the break up but it’s killing me inside. Like a cancer. i can feel it eating and scratching away at my core. Some days I wanna strangle you! I wanna scream at your for ruining our family and making their lives harder. Some days I wanna save you from yourself. some days I wanna condemn you. Some days I wanna make you love me again. Ah but therein lies the problem: You should love me because you want to not because I wanted you too.
“But I love to play the blame game, I love you more.
Let’s play the blame game for sure.
Let’s call out names, names, I hate you, more.
Let’s call out names, names, for sure.” -
I love the single “polyamorous” by Breaking Benjamin. I always had felt a connection to this song..for many a reason. The band rocked hard, the song was featured in one of my favorite games of all time SvR 2005, and I dreamed of being in a polyamorous relationship. Whether it was the dream of having a steady monogamous partner and yet being able to persue multiple sexual fantasies or just a reflex from being in a long term committed relationship from a young age, I loved the idea multiple lovers. Call me what you want, but sexuality is something to be shared amongst consenting adults. i mean, there are far too many people on this planet, with their own scents, feelings and flavors…all to be enjoyed. All to be savored. I didn’t understand when I was younger. I still don’t know everything, but I’m certain that I have some “oats to sow”. One of my favorite lyrics goes as follows:
My polyamorous friend
You got me in a mess of trouble again
I always smirk to myself when I imagine all the trouble polyamory has gotten me into. All the delicious trouble. But thinking back, it wasn’t polyamory that was to blame. There was youth, jealousy, envy, immaturity…all things that would seek to derail such happy monogamy. I forgot the golden rule when dealing with matters of the heart: someone will always feel some sort of way. No matter how many times they say “it’s okay”, no matter how much you try to reassure yourself that “it’s not serious between them”…..someone involved will always feel something. That tinge of pain when you realize you can’t trust your lover anymore. The heavy guilt when you catch yourself wishing she could be someone else. life is a trip sometimes. A long winding road whose final destination is never really visible, often hiding just beyond the bend. People will look you in the eye and tell you that they “understand” even when they know that they don’t. We all lie. To each other, to ourselves sometimes. But the truth„,the reality of the situation, it’s almost incomprehensible. What’s worse: the lies we tell to the people we care about, those seemingly harmless or maddening complex lies we use to “shield” our loved ones from the harshness of the world, or, the black and white truth? The reality that what you feel in your heart will one day destroy what you see with your eyes, what you taste on your tongue, what you thought you believed. This song means so very much to me, more than I thought before I started typing. It always will be an important song in my life. Even if I never meet another soul who truly understands it. -
As with most great things in my life, it all started with Smackdown. It was late 2004, and my friends and I were enamored with the most recent entry into the soon to be storied wrestling fanchise, WWE Smackdown vs Raw (2005). We would play hours on end battling each other with our thumbs and wits. The SvR series was just starting to become an annual game series and we looked forward to the improvements and regressions that came with each passing year. Before custom soundtracks and HD graphics we relied on the pre-packaged soundtracks to choose our entrance themes from. This particular year gifted me with a gem called “polyamorous” by a band called Breaking Benjamin. I fell in love instantly, the agressive, pulse pounding guitar riffs coupled with lead singer Benjamin Burnley (Yup…his actual name!) rhythmic howling made for the perfect wrestling song! The hauntingly ambiguous lyrics float softly at first. Like razor blades dancing on the wind, threateningly tempting, luring you into a false sense of melodic harmony.
The day has come to an end
The sun is over my head
My polyamorous friend
You got me in a mess of trouble again
Then blammo! They kick it to 11 and the next thing you know you have a bloody nose and your best friend won’t stop crying. It was glorious! But that my musical loving friends was only the tip of the iceberg! I soon found a video of my favorite game Halo, set to yet another Breaking Benjamin song…”blow me away” Okay, now just for a second…imagine the 1# thing you love in this world…for a time, that was what Halo was to me, now then imagine if it made sweet love to the 2# thing you love in this world…that thing is Breaking Benjamin. For some people it would be Jesus Christ riding a pterodactyl into your hearts…but for me it was “blow me away”. Now everything seemed so clear! All the horizons of possibility were open to me! Breaking Benjamin were appearing everywhere in my life! I went out and brought their next two albums, We are not alone and Phobia….I never looked back. I can truly say that this band makes the music to the soundtrack of my life. The part of the soundtrack that deals with me winning slayer matches and using the camel clutch to secure Championships. The songs that play when my arenaline is pumping at a maximum capacity.The songs I hear when the chants of crowd drown out the cries of my opponents. The band I listen to when I dream of red sands and blue moons. This is my band. My favorite band. And they help me win my favorite games ;) -
A good place to Be.
It was 2005, the last days of my senior year at high school. It had been a very turbulent year mired with dizzying highs and sobering lows. We barely made it out with our dignity and virginity’s intact! barley ;) But this album here, “this shit right here” this was a classic album. I’m talking neo-soul, jazz influenced, Sunday morning feel good music! Back in the day, which is only 6 years ago for me, when a new album or game would come out one of us withing the group would rush out and buy it. Then we would call a meeting to share the goods, or in case of really popular games and music, try to keep it’s existence a secret. it was either Davis or Johnston that brought it by…my memory betrays me to my age sometimes, but we sat in Johnston’s room and listened to the whole album, front to back. My personal favorites far extend beyond the radio friendly ones. “Go”, “Testify”, and “Faithful” are all such good songs. Then you have my two personal favorites, the first one: “The Food”. here for your reading pleasure are the lyrics to the chorus:
I walked in the crib, got two kids
And my baby mama late (uh oh! uh oh! uh oh!)
So I had to did, what I had to did
Cause I had to get (duh-ough! duh-ough! duh-ough!)
I’m up all night, getting my money right
Until the blue and white (po po! po po! po po!)
Now the money coming slow, but a least a - know
Slow motion better than (no-oh! no-oh! no-oh!)
Being 18 and working hard in retail and fast food…getting good grades in school, just the grind of life. This chorus reminds me of the above things. Even more after I had Xavier, this song just spoke to me. I felt liken it was me, Com, and ‘Ye in the struggle to succeed. It was such a “nice guys don’t have to finish last” type of song that it gave an inner city kid like me so much hope for the future, no matter how uncertain it was. The song debuted on the legendary Chappelle Show featuring Common, Kanye West, and an unnamed DJ (somebody look that up for me) in a tv kitchen not unlike one you’d find on Martha Stewart. As awesome as ‘The Food” was, the top spot in my heart belongs to “Be” (intro). This was the flagship song that opened the album and set the tone for what was to come. When you hear that bass guitar (right? those things make that sound?) bashfully introduce itself, then gain the confidence it needs to carry you, the listener, to the synthesizer, you will literally feel joy in your heart! If sunshine was a feeling, it would feel like this:
I want to be as free as the spirits of those who left
I’m talking Malcom, Coltrane, my man Yusef
Yup. Imagine waking up on a Monday morning, walking down the streets of your old neighborhood, smiling and waving as people greet you early in the am. And then you turn your face towards the rising sun, eyes closed, accepting the warmness as payment for a job well done. This is how this song makes me feel. Its liek eating a big meal that was healthy. Afterwards you feel both full and satisfied. But most importantly, you don’t feel guilty. In a time where gangster rap polarized the black community into “have’s” and “have nots” Common made it acceptable to be intelligent and positive when speaking on things other than “street life”. When dudes asked me “who you listenin’ too?” i responded with my head held high, “Oh this here, this is Common’s new album”. the replied “oh aight”. Those three syllables told me that I had passed the test. Common and I passed the test of “street certification”. 2005 was a good time to Be. -
If there was one album that summed up all the feelings and emotions of my High school years it Kanye’s College Dropout. I’m talking about the jokes, the laughs, the girls, the fights, the parties, the grades and walking the stage! I still remember burning the album onto my original Xbox and logging hours into Tony Hawk’s pro skater 4. I still remember getting my first job at McDonalds and blasting ‘Ye’s “Spaceship” while working late night on the grill. West wholly encapsulated my teenage angst within his slick beats and smooth samples, often blending new and old into something both fresh and familiar. I went to war with my less enlightened peers defending “Ye’s witty prose and cleaver, sometimes playfully immature verses. He was the voice of my high school years. The music from this album is what plays in the background of my 04-05 memories. Reminding me of a time before the glitz and glam. before ‘Ye was a globetrotting, model dating, leather clad icon. back when he was just a young adult with a backpack and a dream differed. Back when he used to rock “pink polos” and was deathly afraid to tell his mother that he had found something “better that school”. “Slow Jamz” made me think I could be as smooth as Marvin , while “Spaceship” gave hope to a patient dreamer that there was more beyond this world than what we struggled with. However, if I could pick one song that made me believe in and producer turned rapper from the “Chi” it would have to be “Through the wire”. High school was anything but stable, riddled with highs and lows that I never could have imagined. I remember heading into the school at the end of the year bumping into my friend Jaime. he was in tears and I feared the worst. “what’s wrong son?” I asked with my heart plummeting into my stomach. he looked up at me and said “I’m graduating”. And we hugged. Moments later I handed in a book I owed that was given to me by a close friend. Without that book I wouldn’t have been able to walk across the stage. It didn’t hit me until I stepped out of the building, overtaken by emotions, I looked up at the sky and it was the brightest shade of blue I had ever seen. I was gonna graduate and it came right down to the wire. “even through the fire”.
Songs in the key of my life...
